Second Class
Email I sent:
Below, please find Patty's moving and insightful response to our conversation after the movement lesson on Tuesday. Here's a summary:
You aren't just saying that care partners miss out on today's partner because they can't let go of yesterday's partner. You are saying something even more radical and profound: that today's partner isn't necessarily 'less than' yesterday's partner. With the example of disinhibition, you show how today's 'decline' is actually an adventure in a new direction. Potentially. If we let it. A gift, albeit fleeting.
And you mean this in a very un-Pollyanna way. It isn't false positivity. I imagine that to accept this gift takes a tremendous amount of courage, because part of engaging with the joy requires not being hunched up against the pain. I can see how fussing over the control issues could be used as a shield against the true grief (or rage, or resentment), so first one would have to be willing to let the shield down... Then open the gift.
This morning I sat on my balcony and watched the sun come over the tree tops and found myself playing with the divergence of my eyeballs. This might come to you over the next week, spontaneously (not as homework; it isn't that). If and when you feel that curiosity, take the time to soften your eyes first, and then let them drift apart however they want to. If your eyes are convergent now, it isn't for lack of effort--it is because of the CONvergence effort that has become habitual. If you are curious to have your eyes diverge, it is more about letting go of the convergence effort you now.
And isn't that cool!
See you next Tuesday at 11 east coast.
Carie
From Patty, with her permission:
We were talking about how inhibitions keep a lot of people from being playful around those who have dementia, which sadly leads to them missing opportunities to truly connect with them in a new way. As I mentioned, people's self-inhibitions tend to diminish as dementia progresses, making them more and more open to interacting differently than they have before when given a safe, supported opportunity to do so. When people (with or without dementia) can get past inhibitions to try new things, they often surprise themselves by discovering new ways of being in and enjoying the world. We all grow as people when we step past our comfort zone to connect with others and let ourselves enjoy life in new ways. But, the reduced inhibitions of the people with dementia can sometimes make care partners (professional or family) uncomfortable because the caregivers' own inhibitions get in the way of accepting and embracing how the person is changing. Family members often feel loss/grief more than the joy of discovery as the person changes away from who they've always been before (even though their new person can be very interesting and amazing too and even though allowing others in our relationships to evolve makes for deeper relationships in general), so they feel guilt if they just let go of who they're missing to accept the new version of the person. Professionals worry that they're not honoring their expected work ethics if they play or become emotional at work, so they busy themselves with tasks instead of just "being" and joyfully engaging with the people so they can prove their worth to employers who give them daily checklists that must be completed. And, both family and professional care partners worry that they won't keep everything under control (which they really can't do anyway) if they take time away from "responsibilities" to play or connect on a more human/emotional level. All of these inhibitions create a divide rather than allowing the opportunity to connect in a new (possibly deeper) way than before. Care partner and family member (or friend) inhibitions can take away the person with dementia's feeling of safety or permission to explore their new perspectives, especially since they need the care partner's support to successfully try new things. We have to lower our inhibitions to give people with dementia the freedom to become their new selves, permission to move past our assumptions of who they are so that we can find and enjoy the genuine person they are now..
So, the more we can help the care partners figure out what belief is inhibiting them from interacting and connecting in new ways, the more we can help them give themselves permission to let go of the inhibition enough to try a new way of connecting. Zoe and Sheila's examples of how they'll pull back clowning and allow people (people with dementia, professionals, or family) to engage at whatever level is comfortable for them (either by parallel/peripheral clowning rather than direct interaction, or by approaching without clown costume).allow for exploration of what's holding each person back and helping them move past that barrier to enjoy connection and find moments of joy through that connection. When working in memory care, I've seen adult children (and even one ex-wife) who have developed more emotionally fulfilling relationships with loved ones who had previously been a "difficult" person in their lives, mostly because the person with dementia has lost inhibitions and the family member has been willing to set aside their own inhibitions and expectations to try to engage in a way that works for both of them now. I also talk with a lot of spouses who are trying to decide whether to place their spouse in residential memory care and we talk about how stepping out of the primary day to day caregiver role might allow them to return to having time to just have fun with their spouse rather than always having to be responsible for everything. This conversation tends to set spouse care partners up well for joining in playful opportunities when they later visit their loved one in memory care, rather than just being there to "oversee" everything, simply because they've heard me "give permission" to have fun trying new things in the new community together without having to be in charge. These are the people who I see become very emotionally close with their partners throughout the latter part of the dementia journey.
To end my too long explanation, I think this matters when using feldenkrais with care partners because the feldenkrais practitioner is giving permission to relax inhibitions in order to connect to ourselves (and potentially to each other, if ever done as an in person class with people who have dementia and their care partners) by making connection, curiosity, exploration of what's possible, and self-awareness the purpose of the class. So, a feldenkrais class (with both people involved) could be an opportunity for them to practice letting go of assumptions and inhibitions enough to be curious and explore playfully (with themselves & each other) to discover new feelings and connections, making them more able to do this in day to day interactions as dementia progresses.
Thanks for giving me a place to express and explore my reflections! And, thanks for bringing together such an amazing group of people! I'm loving the collaboration!